I want more sex than my wife. She convinced me to go to couples therapy. She wants to talk, but I’m not really looking forward to that. Then you get endless conversations and then I hear that I have not done well and I am not waiting for that. Not go is not an option, I will give out the wrong signals. So we go together to relationship therapist Jacqueline Evers from Loveworkx.
After a busy working week, he wants to watch Netflix
Jacqueline asks us if we have enough time for each other. As the person with ultimate responsibility for a large group, I naturally work long hours, I have many dinners and other reasons why I don’t spend much time at home. I sometimes feel guilty about this, but hardly have time to think about it. When I come home, I especially feel like going for a run, Netflixing on the couch and doing something fun with the family. The week ritual is already started on Sunday afternoon.
My wife says she is effacing herself
My wife is busy juggling her schedule. In addition to her job, she is also busy organizing everything around the children and the household. She tells how she effaces herself and hardly gets around to herself. I notice that I don’t really think about that.
I immediately come up with solutions
Now that she tells it that way, I immediately think in solutions. If I come up with ideas such as ‘you are going to do with your girlfriends more often’ or ‘just grab a sauna for yourself’, it turns out that this is not what my wife needs.
Jacqueline indicates that my wife especially wants to feel heard and understood when she is a bit cranky because she has been so busy. I feel that I do, but it turns out not to be. She just gets angrier. Half an hour later, thanks to Jacqueline’s interventions, peace has returned to the conversation. My wife is no longer so sad and feels understood. When we discuss these kinds of things at home, it often ends in an argument.
We talk about our difference in sexual needs
I want sex more often than my wife, we don’t have to talk about that for long. Over the years I have accepted that my wife doesn’t feel like it that often. Since the children have been there it has been on the back burner. Jacqueline mainly asks a lot of questions to my wife. She says that she is so busy taking care of others that her head is not into sex.
Jacqueline explains what it takes for my wife to look forward to having sex
She says that it can be quite difficult to get a woman out of her ‘doing mode’ and take a moment to relax. Relaxation is needed to get her out of her head into her feelings. It is also important to focus on herself instead of all the care tasks she has in addition to her work.
For a man, feeling arousal and the desire for sex is generally easy. If a woman is too much in her head and too little in her feelings, she literally cannot get along very well. Women find atmosphere important, a good conversation, that they feel understood and appreciated. In it she can relax and from that relaxation there is room for intimacy.
A happy ending or not?
Take everything out of her hands for a day and don’t be fooled by the protests that follow. She will not like to hand it over, so be sure about that. Then pamper her, make cups of tea and make her breakfast and lunch. Then she will feel that you love her. In the evening give her a foot massage, turn off the TV and a nice music and ask her how she is doing. Ask her questions, give her space. If she comes up with problems, which is quite likely, just listen.
She does NOT want solutions. She wants you to understand her, to put herself in her and that’s all. She is very good at coming up with solutions. In general, she is not very good at asking for help because she thinks she should be able to do everything herself.
Every now and then you give her more than a foot massage. You can massage her neck, or if you really want to pamper her, give her a full massage. And now it comes: preferably without a ‘happy ending’. If a woman can decide to want sex and you can give her that space, she will want more often. So if she has the idea that you are seducing her and that it will have to end in sex, then her heels slowly but surely go into the sand. But if you invest again and again and pay attention to her, without expecting anything in return, then something will really change.
The effect of the therapy after six months
We decide to do a Loveworkx relationship coaching program for the period of six months. Understanding what it takes is one thing, but making the real change takes a little more time and support. During this period we will work on a number of issues such as stopping arguments and a number of underlying issues from the past.
My wife now no longer comes back to things that I was surprised to keep bringing up. She now feels much more understood and supported. The atmosphere in the house has become much more relaxed and we have sex more often.
What appealed to me in this process is that Jacqueline was not only able to explain what my wife needed, but also spoke my language so that I quickly got clarity and tools to solve our problems. We have now agreed a Loveworkx relationship MOT, so we actively continue to work on our relationship.