We have become buddies and we miss the intimacy and sex in our relationship. More and more couples are separating around us. Fortunately, we do not have a fight, but I am afraid that if we do not take action, it will be our turn. We go into relationship therapy.
What will relationship therapy bring us?
We want each other back as a partner
The conversation with Jacqueline is very relaxed and we quickly feel at ease with her. We discuss what we want to achieve with the therapy. We have become buddies and are very good at arranging things for the family. We lost sight of each other as a partner.
It turns out that living together, lack of intimacy and cheating are the top 3 topics for which people engage in couples therapy. And also that couples wait an average of 6 years before they go looking for help. Patterns arise in the relationship when it comes to communication but also in the field of sex and intimacy. After so many years together you are so attuned to each other that the tension you need to get stimulated and to feel like sex disappears more and more.
Vision of intimacy and sex
It’s strange that we don’t think about that ourselves. I work as a marketing manager for a large company and we work from our vision, mission and core values. I never thought we could do the same with our relationship. It is insightful and innovative. She takes us back to the early days of our relationship and we reminisce. This puts us in a relaxed and light-hearted mood.
Difference in need
Our question is about intimacy and sex, which is why we zoom in on what we find important in it. My husband is clearly more into sex than I am. For him it is literally momentary and relaxed and he is free from all his thoughts. It’s actually nice to hear how he feels about it.
I am tired after a busy working day or work week. My work, groceries, cooking food, paying attention to the children cost me a lot of energy.
Can you make sense of sex?
Sex drive does not come. We often think we feel like it or not. A man sees and feels his excitement and can quickly translate lust into sex. Women are not always aware of what they are feeling or do not recognize it when they get excited during the day.
You don’t have to feel like having sex. What is important is that you are open to intimacy. If you think ‘I don’t want this’ at the first touch, you keep yourself closed. Intimacy starts with an open attitude. It is not that you are open to have sex, but that you are open to contact with your partner. After that, a number of neurobiological elements play a role that have a knock-on effect on what follows.
Sex and hormones
She tells us about the neurobiological approach. Testosterone is the most important sex hormone in both men and women. It stimulates sexual desire. Cold shower not only ensures a better immune system, but also a rise in testosterone levels.
Oxytocin helps create sexual arousal and can help men maintain their erection. Due to stress, the pressure to perform and the amount of information that excites us, there is less time for rest, relaxation and intimacy and the oxytocin system is increasingly less active. This can result in sexual dysfunction.
In addition, oxytocin is an important hormone that ensures bonding with your partner that makes you feel connected and increases intimacy. Receiving mental support, empathy, compassion and physical contact causes the brain to deliver a low dose of oxytocin.
Along with dopamine and norepinephrine, oxytocin is likely to be crucial in long-term relationships. In fact, that’s what makes you feel more connected after sex. In that sense, the time you spend together after sex may be just as important to your relationship as it is before.
If you feel the need to share your intimate feelings after sex, it could be the hormones. By the way, oxytocin stays in the body for about three minutes and the effect can last for three days.
Talk about what we like
We talk about our desire and what we need to stimulate it. For me it is much more about our mutual bond. When we go out the door in the morning with hassle, it sticks with me all day. Then I really don’t feel like it at night. The atmosphere must be really good. I need it to be able to relax and not be a mother and regulator for a while but feel like a woman. Each more touching helps me a hug and a warm bath or a visit to the sauna will make me feel more connected and more can relax.
Sometimes I literally am not feeling well. Then I feel a bit overweight and that doesn’t really help me. My husband says he still finds me very attractive, okay even though I’m not 25 anymore. That gives me a nice feeling. We continue to talk about what I like. Jacqueline’s questions make me more and more aware of the important factors for me for intimacy and sex. If you find it difficult during intercourse to tell what you fine, you can literally take him by the hand and show him what you like to add Jacqueline. When asked what he likes my husband fine should equally consider . He says he is especially busy during sex to please me.
He likes to be touched more often, stroking his back, touching his buttocks. And you can do that with your nails too, he tells me. Even if you flatter yourself and touch touch me excited he says.
Men often engage in sex several times a day. A sex survey conducted by Playboy magazine revealed that 63% of men fantasize about a threesome. Men also often fantasize about two women having sex. Fantasizing stimulates the excitement. We talk about it in a playful way and I notice that we are happy to leave the house together.